


When He Promised Forever

by itislacey



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fights, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7168421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itislacey/pseuds/itislacey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan hasn’t seen Phil since their fight over a year ago. It’s not until he runs into an old fan with a cat whiskers tattoo that he decides that maybe it’s time to heal old wounds. Because, after all, Phil had promised him forever once. And Dan didn’t want to make him seem like a liar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When He Promised Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! I've actually never used ao3 before, so bare with me if I forget tags and other items that most works on here have. And if the text is edited all wonky-like. I came from Tumblr, which is where I posted all my fics, but now I'm trying other platforms as well! I know more people prefer ao3. So I'm going to start transferring my fics from there to here! Hope you like them:) My Tumblr is the same username as I use on here!

“I promise you forever,” Phil said, holding Dan’s hand tight.

“Forever?” Dan repeated, choking on the word. Forever meant something. It meant everything. 

“Yes. I promise. It’s me and you and the whole world. Forever.”

****

Dan held back the choked sob that he felt creeping up his throat. Out of all places for that memory to re-surface, it chose to come back as Dan was in the middle of the store, reaching for a carton of milk. He supposed that memory came back for a reason. That reason being the small cat whiskers tattoo on someone’s wrist. 

“Sorry!” the girl next to him exclaimed. “I didn’t realize that you were going for the same carton of–wait. You’re Dan Howell. No way!” A squeal of delight came from her mouth. “What a coincidence.” 

Dan forced a smile at the girl. He had been good at that lately–forcing smiles. “Hi.” He looked at her face, then glanced back down at her wrist. He knew what he saw. There–on her wrist–was a tattoo of hand drawn cat whiskers. Dan knew they were hand drawn, as he had drawn them himself so many times before. 

“I’m Kiera,” she said. “I can’t believe it’s you. In the flesh! I never thought I’d actually run into you somewhere. Especially since … you’re not on YouTube anymore,” she said, choosing her words very carefully. 

“Believe it or not, I still have to leave my house,” Dan said, forcing a chuckle. “Just because I’m not plastered all over the internet anymore, doesn’t mean my life stopped.” He had said those words, meaning them at first. But as he thought more about them, he realized how terrible his life had actually gotten since he ended his YouTube career about a year ago. He had thought it was a good decision after … what happened, but he realized a few months in that it probably wasn’t the best idea he’s ever had. Sure, he could make a return at anytime, but it wouldn’t feel the same. 

“I get that,” Kiera said, frowning slightly. “It’s just …” she trailed off, following Dan’s gaze down to her wrist. For whatever reason, he couldn’t take his eyes off the simple tattoo. “Admiring your work?”

“Huh?” Dan asked, meeting Kiera’s gaze. 

Kiera smiled. “You keep looking at my tattoo. It’s actually the whiskers you drew a long time ago. I printed out a picture from my computer and showed the tattoo artist and he got it pretty spot on. I love it.” 

“Why did you get it?” Out of all the tattoos she could have gotten, she chose something as stupid as a pair of cat whiskers Dan had drawn in another life.   
“The same reason anyone gets a tattoo. For the memories and meaning that comes with it.”   
Dan cocked his head. “What does it mean to you?” 

“What does it mean to you?” Kiera countered. 

Dan’s throat went dry. He asked her first. It was her tattoo. Not his. So he didn’t understand why she was asking him this question in the first place. “It used to mean nothing, really. Just … the whiskers were only a thing when pinof videos happened, or when I was doing a TATINOF show.” I. Dan was using personal pronouns, and he was the first to realize it. 

Kiera pursed her lips. “The whiskers mean nothing to you?” 

Dan shook his head. “No.” Not anymore. 

“I think they do and you just don’t want to share, which is fine. It’s not really my business. But I got the whiskers because of what they mean to me.”

“Which is?” 

“Friendship. Fun,” she stated. 

None of that lasts forever, Dan wanted to say. But he didn’t. Instead, he said, “But tattoos are forever. You got something inked onto your skin that can’t come off.” Dan felt sort of guilty. She got those whiskers because of him and … him. She thought they were going to last forever. And here, years later, they didn’t.   
Kiera chuckled. “That’s the point of a tattoo, Dan.”

“Don’t you regret it, though? I mean, me and … him didn’t last forever. Our friendship and fun is no more. Hasn’t that tattoo lost all its value?” Dan asked.  
Kiera looked at him like he was stupid. “Not at all. This tattoo means a lot to me. Still, to this day. I told you a few minutes ago that you also get them for the memories. Even if you and Phil aren’t making anymore memories together, I still have all the old ones. The best ones coming with this,” she said, holding up her wrist to show him the tattoo. “This was your beginning and your in between. But it hasn’t been your end.” 

Dan was inspired, but confused. “What do you mean?” 

“Your career and your life began with something as simple as some cat whiskers. It’s basically your trademark. Not only that, but you used it multiple times for meaningful reasons. But you never put an official end to them. You might not draw them as often as you used to, but you never actually stopped drawing them, either. The cat whiskers come from within. You still have them, Dan. They just haven’t been revealed in a long time.” Kiera grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge, placing it in her trolley. “Remember where you came from, Dan. I know I’ll never forget.” She pointed to her wrist before pushing her trolley and being on her way. 

Dan was left in the milk section, all alone, and left to think about where he came from and why he wasn’t there anymore. And all of that was because of him.   
Phil Lester.

****

“Maybe we shouldn’t keep that in the video,” Dan said to Phil as he was watching through their recent footage they shot for the gaming channel. “We’re getting a bit ballsy on the whole ‘phan is real’ thing.”

Phil glanced at him, then glanced back at the frame Dan had paused it on. Their noses were touching at the very tip, and it wasn’t meant to look like an almost kiss. They were just mimicking something they saw on the game–making it look like they were having some epic showdown. But of course, Dan and their audience wouldn’t see it that way. 

“What do you think?” Dan asked, pulling Phil from his thoughts.

“I really don’t know. If I were editing, I’d probably leave it.”

“Why?” Dan sounded surprised by Phil’s confession. Would he really leave that in his video? 

Phil merely shrugged. “Because it’s what our audience likes to see. They like … domestic behavior. They would like it.”

“I’m not sure I would, though.”

Phil made a noise in his throat. “So is this about what you like or what our audience likes?” 

Dan swallowed the rising lump in his throat. He knew what it was. It was him. He didn’t like something like that being so … public. Yes, their audience would go fucking insane. It would cause a shit storm. “I think it’s me. I mean, I started YouTube off of your recommendation, because you thought I might enjoy such a hobby. I do it mostly for me.   
Somewhat for them,” Dan said, meaning his audience. “I do videos I like because it’s my channel. I keep stuff that I like because I like it. But this is our video. We make decisions about it together.”

Phil’s heart skipped a beat. It was their channel, and he was glad that Dan was asking for his opinions because it was his video too. “But it seems to be that we are at a disagreement,” Phil pointed out. “How do we solve it?” 

Dan plopped back into the couch cushion. “I don’t know. Weigh the pros and cons? If it has more pros, we will leave it. If it has more cons, we won’t. Does that sound good?” They would just have to look at it through nearly every angle. Dan was hoping Phil didn’t have a lot of pros to go by, because he really didn’t want this is the video.   
Phil nodded. “Sure. Let’s weigh ‘em.” 

So they did. Dan had come up with loads more cons than Phil could with pros, so the ultimate decision was to edit it out. Like he did a majority of the “domestic” moments. Phil seemed slightly upset by the fact that Dan had won, and Dan couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. Hurting Phil’s feelings was like kicking a sick puppy. You just don’t do it.   
If Dan had known that that one conversation was going to start a feud between them, he would have never had it. He would have left it in the video for Phil’s sake. But he couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he did leave it in. Would they still have gotten onto the fighting path they had before, except this time, the roles reversed?   
Dan shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about it. Damn Kiera and her fucking tattoo. He just had to run into an old fan. Now he wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about Phil for the whole damn day. He hadn’t even talked to him in a little over a year. Dan had no idea what he was doing or what he has been up to.   
Well, mostly. 

Dan knew that Phil still did YouTube. His videos were less frequent, however. Dan never watched them. He couldn’t bring himself to. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t get on YouTube and look at Phil’s account daily to see what he was doing. He would read the title of the video and look at the thumbnails, and that was just about it. He’d never click to watch, and he’d never look at the comments. 

As Dan stepped off the train and back into the station, his mind conjured up a thought he never had before. Him and Phil both still lived in London, yet during this past year, they haven’t crossed paths anywhere. Dan hadn’t seen him in the flesh since that last night. His heart kind of ached. 

He sighed, making his way through the crowds of people and going back above ground to where his flat awaited. Dan planned on going home and staying there for a very, very long time. Even if all he was able to do was think about Phil. 

“What about to mark our anniversary?” Phil asked. They sat at their dining room table with their laptops and white sheets of paper thrown around. It was time to come up with new ideas for danandphilshop, and they both had nothing. “We are coming up on a big mark.”

“Ten years,” Dan said, sighing. Had it really been ten years since they first met? Time really did fly. “I never imagined our ten year anniversary actually meaning something. I mean, how could we possibly know what was lying ahead for us when we met in 2009? We were so young.”

“With awful haircuts,” Phil added. 

Dan chuckled. “That too. But what should we do to commemorate ten years? Can’t be hair evolution. We already have a jumper of that and two pages dedicated to it in our book.”  
“Maybe something more meaningful. Something that only our audience might understand.” 

Dan shot him a look. “That’s half our shop right there. Most of our merch means nothing to people unless they know about us.”  
“True,” Phil said. “This is harder than I thought.”

“We still have some time. Quite a few months, actually. I’m sure we can think of something,” Dan assured.

Though, they never did. 

****

Dan stared at the corner of his bedroom, just now noticing the poster that peeked out from behind his wardrobe. He didn’t have to pull it out all the way to know what it was. It was a poster that they sold on danandphilshop back in 2016. It was four images of him and Phil just being silly. Dan didn’t know why he even had it, let alone why he was just now noticing it in the corner of his room. He figured that if there was any time to take note of it, today would be the day. Phil was already on his mind long enough. Might as well make a whole day out of it. 

Dan walked over to the poster, gripping the corner between his two fingers. He was about to pull the whole thing out, but decided against it. He shoved it back further behind the wardrobe. Out of sight, out of mind. If only. 

Heaving out a sigh, Dan grabbed his laptop from his desk and left his room. He made his way to the lounge, which was only a few steps outside his bedroom door. His new flat was small and cramped, too small to have any sort of company over. Either that, or he was just far too big to fit in the damn place. His head nearly grazed every doorway when he walked through, and the hall space was barely wide enough for him to walk through. The biggest flat he ever lived in was the one with Phil–the one where Phil still lived now. Or at least, that’s what Dan presumed. Phil’s YouTube videos were still filmed in the same room from what he could tell by the thumbnails. 

Dan sat down on the sofa, not bothering to turn on the TV or any lights, and just opened his laptop to browse for hours on end. He tried to avoid Tumblr a lot more now, being that he still saw many things of him and Phil, and Dan rather not be reminded of him anymore. Of what used to be. But since this day was shit enough about cramming Phil back into his life, he decided to get on Tumblr anyway and see what his old audience was up to. 

Well, they still didn’t disappoint. He was tagged in the most random shit. Edits and gif sets of him a few years ago–a majority of it from the last few TATINOF shows. He was still being placed in things with Phil, which didn’t surprise him at all, really. He just didn’t quite know why he still felt something when he saw images of him and Phil. He wasn’t supposed to like him anymore. Hell, he hadn’t in a little over a year. He was still pissed at him. He decided he always would be. So why did his heart tug when he saw these things?   
As he kept scrolling, he stopped on an edit of him and Phil in Japan. They were in cherry blossom trees, the cherry blossoms falling from the branches in a slow, breeze-like motion. Dan had almost forgot he ever went to Japan. 

****

“Who makes ice cream black? Now my tongue will be a weird shade for the rest of the day!” Phil pouted. “At least it was good, I guess.”

Dan laughed, capturing the next moment on camera. This was definitely something that needed to be documented. “AmazingPhil tries weird ice cream! Glad I got a normal flavor.”  
“I just wanted something different! I didn’t expect it to make my mouth look like a coal mine.” Phil stuck out his tongue, glancing down at it. A whining noise escaped his throat.  
Dan kept laughing, people around him giving him odd looks. Only, he didn’t care. He was enjoying his vacation to Japan. It’s a place he and Phil always dreamed of going to, and now, they finally did. This vacation was a dream come true. They decided to go, just so they could write about it in their book, but it was also so much more than that. Dan was glad he could go someplace he’s always dreamed about, with his best friend. He knew that Phil felt the same way. 

The two traveled to a lot of places while they were in Japan. They went in nearly every anime store, ate tons of Japanese food–except, Phil wasn’t a fan of the breakfast choices, and even at one point, wanted to get a burger because he missed familiar foods. That cracked Dan up. The point of a vacation was to go someplace and try new things. And Phil wanted a burger! Dan couldn’t blame him, though. Japan had some odd food choices. 

“I’m not ready to leave,” Phil said as he plopped down on the bed next to Dan’s. “I like it here too much.”

“Me too. I don’t ever want to leave.” Dan stretched out on his bed, staring at the hotel ceiling. “We should come back though.”

“Definitely,” Phil agreed. “Would next month be too soon?”

Dan chuckled. “Probably. Our jet lag is going to be insane. By this time next month, we will just be getting back to our London sleep schedule. I say we come back in a few years. Maybe to celebrate something.”

“Like?” Phil prompted.

“I don’t know,” Dan breathed. “Our first trip here,” he joked.

“Maybe our ten year friend anniversary. That would be a good memory.” 

Dan didn’t agree. He didn’t have to. It was a good idea. Celebrating a decade’s worth of their friendship in a place they loved so much. What else could you ask for?   
Too bad that second trip never happened. It never even got a chance to be planned. 

****

Dan scrolled faster than he ever thought he could until he reached a random post. He wasn’t going to think about Japan. He couldn’t. That was one of the best trips he’s ever taken in his life. It brought back too many memories and too many emotions he wasn’t sure he could deal with right now. 

When Dan had moved into this crummy flat, he put anything that reminded him of Phil, in a box, and shoved it in the cupboard for random items. He hadn’t opened the door since that day, and he never planned to. Even if half of his souvenirs from Japan lied in there. Dan wanted to feel nothing for Phil Lester. Even if it was hate. He just wanted to forget all about him.

Dan closed out Tumblr and opened YouTube instead. He searched for Phil’s channel, seeing if he had uploaded anything new. He hadn’t. His last video still read three weeks ago. Dan scrolled through all of his videos, stopping at the last one him and Phil did together. It wasn’t Phil is not on fire, much to Dan’s surprise. It was actually a video of them trying different foods, while blindfolded, and trying to guess what they were eating. Phil nearly got sick during the filming of that video, and just the memory of it made Dan’s lips quirk. Dan had fed him cheese, just to be funny. And it was funny. Phil agreed that it was, and he even kept it in the video for laughs. Though, he made Dan swear to never give him cheese again without his knowing, and Dan reluctantly agreed. 

It wasn’t long after that video, however, when Dan and Phil had their first fight. 

****

The day was bland. Average. Normal for Dan and Phil. They had nothing to do, and they were fine with that. At least, for the time being. 

“Did you see the video of Connor announcing his engagement?” Phil asked. 

Dan nodded. “I did. I nearly cried. It was so sweet and so cute and GAH!”

Phil chuckled, biting his bottom lip as he watched Dan’s reaction. “Do you ever think you would like something like that?”

“What? Marriage? Yeah. I’d like to get married someday. Have some kids. Though, my time is running pretty thin.” 

Phil laughed. “I meant an engagement video as grand as Connor’s. And your time is running thin? What about mine! I’m in my thirties. You haven’t even hit that decade yet.”  
Dan shot him a look. “So? Most people I grew up with are already married and starting families. I haven’t even begun the process of doing that.” In fact, Dan couldn’t even recall the last time he had a serious date. 

“That doesn’t mean anything, Dan. Loads of people don’t do any of that until they’re our age or older. There’s no rush for those things. I’m older than you and haven’t even started to look for something serious.” Maybe because it’s already been found, a voice in Phil’s mind sang. He ignored it. 

Dan shrugged. “I feel like an outcast. I haven’t had a relationship in years, Phil. How does that make me look? Lonely.”

Phil scoffed. That was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. “You’re not lonely, Dan. You’ve had me all these years. We are a team. Have been since ‘09.”  
Dan’s heart leaped into his throat. He swallowed the lump that had formed, and forced himself to look at Phil. “I guess,” Dan choked out. He felt as if this conversation was taking a turn into someplace he didn’t want to go. To an area he had no experience in. Phil was treading on something dangerous. Something unknown. And it scared Dan.  
Phil looked at Dan confusingly. “Why do you seem like that’s a bad thing?” 

“It’s not,” Dan said in a rush. He needed to diffuse this conversation. Now. “I mean something intimate. Lasting. Forever. You know, love.”  
Phil arched a brow. “Are we not any of those things?” he whispered. “Are we not lasting?”

Dan realized he fucked up too late. Of course Phil would pick out the deeper meaning behind Dan’s words. “That’s not what I meant, Phil.”

“I do love you, Dan. And I always will. You mean a lot to me. You’re my friend. My … We are supposed to stay with each other. That’s what good friends do, isn’t it? It’s been almost ten years, and you’re saying that we aren’t going to last? This sounds like a pretty good lasting friendship to me.” Phil said his words so casually and so calm. Dan had rather had Phil spit them at him. To at least let him know he was angry about what Dan said. Even though that’s not how he meant it. 

“Phil–”

“No,” Phil said, shutting down Dan’s sentence. He slammed the lid to his laptop closed. “It’s obvious that our relationship is having some sort of crisis right now. I’m going to my room. Let me know when you figure out what I am to you. If I was just a thing or if I was lasting.” Phil gathered up his electronics before stalking out of the lounge and down the hall to his room. Dan expected to hear a door slam, but he heard nothing. Slamming things must not be Phil’s style.

Dan slid down in his seat, sighing at what he had just done. He hurt Phil’s feelings. He had meant his words for intimate and romantic relationships. Not … whatever relationship he and Phil had. That wasn’t what he wanted. Dan wanted to last forever with Phil. He had no doubt that he wouldn’t until this very moment in time.

****

He and Phil had never fought before. Yes, they had disagreements, but they weren’t anything that couldn't be settled in under five minutes. Dan had a feeling that whatever he just stirred up inside Phil, had been brewing inside of him for a long time. It’s just Dan’s choice of words that decided to activate whatever it was Phil was feeling on the inside.   
Dan still felt bad about that fight. If only he would have picked his words more carefully, maybe he wouldn’t be sitting on his lame sofa, sulking all evening. Maybe he would still have Phil in his life. Maybe … maybe things would be different. And what killed Dan the most was that he didn’t even apologize to Phil. Phil apologized to him. What on Earth went through Phil’s head that made him decide he was in the wrong?

“I’m sorry for how I acted yesterday, Dan. I was just feeling a bit emotional and wasn’t right. Forgive me?” 

Dan did forgive him. But he didn’t even apologize back. And that’s what was killing him right now. He never said sorry. Not during that first fight, and most definitely not during the last. Not only did that hurt him, but Dan never bothered to ask why Phil was emotional and not right. Some friend I was. 

Dan would give anything to apologize to Phil. Even if it didn’t fix their friendship, he was still sorry. 

He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his short list of contacts before finding Phil’s name near the end. Dan might have tried to erase all evidence of Phil from his living space and mind, but he couldn’t cut him off completely. A year ago, Dan sat on his bed for hours, his finger hovering the “delete contact” button. He couldn’t do it. Tears streamed down his face, and he shut off his phone to curl up in a ball and sleep the pain away. Phil’s number stayed in his phone ever since. Even though he hadn’t used it in a year.   
But today … today might be different. Dan wanted to hit the call button so badly. He wanted to hear his friend’s voice through the speaker. He wanted the deep and soothing sound of it to fill his ears and make him feel better after the shit day he was having. 

Dan’s finger hovered over the call button. He was so ready to press it and listen to it ring. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t press it. Dan sighed, exiting out of the phone application and locking it back up. He didn’t even know why he bothered. He knew he wouldn’t be able to press it. He was being selfish anyway–wanting to listen to Phil’s voice when he was upset over Phil. Dan never stopped to think how Phil might have felt after that day. How he might still be feeling now. It would be wrong of Dan to just crash back into Phil’s life unexpected and ruin everything Phil might have already gotten over. 

But what if he wasn’t over it?

What if Phil was feeling the same way as Dan? Lost and broken. Dan supposed he had a way of finding out, without actually contacting Phil or getting in touch with their mutual friends. Dan could get on Phil’s YouTube and see how he was doing.

Phil always thought he was pretty good at keeping his emotions in check on the camera. But Dan knew him for basically ten years. He could tell when Phil was distressed about something. It was the look in his eyes and how he carried himself. One click on the mouse and Dan would have his answer. But he couldn’t do that, either. How was that fair to Phil? Dan got to know how Phil was feeling but Phil didn’t get to know how Dan was feeling? That wasn’t right. Dan felt like he would be cheating in some sick game they were playing.

The only right way to find out would be to go to Phil himself. And talk about it.

Dan grunted, a growl ripping through his throat. He slammed the lid to his laptop closed, shoving it aside and grabbing his phone and wallet. He made sure he had the house key, as he didn’t want to lock himself out if things didn’t go as planned tonight.

So he shoved all of the things in his pocket, didn’t bother grabbing a coat, and stormed out of his flat and journeyed over to Phil’s place. A place he hadn’t seen or been to in a year. A place that had been forgotten. 

Dan stood in front of the door for twenty minutes, not daring to make a movement. He wasn’t going to leave–not until he at least talked to Phil. That is, if Phil even wanted to talk. If he didn’t … well, Dan would just apologize for being a huge dick and be on his way. He wouldn’t blame Phil if he didn’t want to talk or heal old wounds. Dan understood completely. 

After another ten minutes of standing downstairs, looking like a total out of place idiot, he buzzed up to Phil’s apartment, waiting for an answer. Dan didn’t want to bang on the door and disturb everyone in the area, so he had to call. Which was about a thousand times worse. What would he say when Phil answered the phone? Would he lock up and not be able to talk? Would the words rush out of him in a frenzy? All of the worst thoughts scrambled through his mind until the other end stopped ringing, and he heard the all too familiar voice speak. 

“Hello?” Phil asked.

Dan choked on a sob. He meant to speak, but only that wretched sound erupted from his throat. 

“Who is this?” Phil asked. 

“Ph–Phil,” Dan said, his words barely audible. It was a struggle to even speak his name, let alone think it. Dan hadn’t said Phil’s name aloud in a year. A year. It sounded foreign yet familiar as it rolled off his tongue.

“Wh–is–is this … Dan?” Phil’s voice cracked on Dan’s name as if he couldn’t believe who he was talking to.  
Dan swallowed the sobs that almost escaped from him. “P–please. I need–I need to talk to you.” He stuttered over his words, something he hadn’t done in ages. He only stuttered and stumbled on his words when he was about to have a breakdown. “If,” Dan continued, “if you won’t–l–let me in, then at–at least let–me say something.” 

Silence. 

“Ph–Phil, p–please. I’m–”

“Come on up, Dan,” Phil’s voice said, cutting off Dan’s attempts to talk. “The door is unlocked.”

Dan breathed a “Thank you,” but he wasn’t sure Phil could even hear it. Dan hung up the phone and trekked up the set of stairs he used to walk up and down nearly everyday of his life for years. His heart was beating erratically, his throat felt like it was going to close up on him. He had managed to keep back any tears that had, up until the point Phil swung open the door.

In front of Dan, stood his old friend. Phil still looked the same as he had when Dan last saw him a year ago, except his hair was a tad bit shorter like he got a recent haircut. It was still the same solid black, styled into his classic fringe. He wore his t-shirt of the cat in outer space, along with a pair of dark skinny jeans and mismatching socks. Foxes and owls–that’s what they were. 

Neither of them spoke. Phil didn’t gesture for Dan to come inside, and Dan didn’t dare try to speak. He didn’t trust his tongue to make the right words. Saying the wrong thing is what got them on this path in the first place.

Phil sucked in a breath. “Dan, are you–”

Dan cracked. Sobs escaped his throat and his knees gave out on him. As he tumbled to the floor, Phil lurched forward and caught Dan in his arms before he could hit the ground with a thud. Dan sobbed and sobbed. Tears streaked his face, and his body trembled terribly. 

Phil said nothing as he held Dan in the doorway, listening to the heartbreak erupting from Dan’s body. He didn’t have to ask to know what was wrong. Because Phil was feeling the same way too. He had been, ever since he ran into that stranger two days ago with the cat whiskers tattoo. 

All he had been able to think about was their last fight. And the last time they ever saw each other. 

****

“This is nice,” Dan said, taking in the scene around him. The sun was just setting, and it looked like a scene straight out of a movie. There were birds flying past the orange sun as they looked out at the water. Butterflies were landing on the brightly colored flowers that had bloomed by the water’s edge. 

Phil was just finishing off his ice cream cone as he mumbled a “Yeah.” 

“That was a nice wedding as well,” Dan stated. He and Phil were both still wearing their suits, which Dan hated. He didn’t like wearing suits in the first place, and especially not in public. To everyone else, he probably looked like some business guy who had just gotten off work. But to him, he looked like someone who was paired with Phil. In a romantic kind of way. And Dan didn’t want to think that, because that’s definitely not how it was.   
“It was,” Phil agreed. “I’m happy for Louise. She deserves it.”

“She really does.” Dan had hoped the conversation died there, but it didn’t. Phil kept on.

“Is that how you imagine your wedding going? I mean, beautiful and everything you thought it would be? I can’t see myself getting married and having a nice wedding like that. Though, it would be nice.”

Dan nodded once, unsure of what to say. The last time they talked about weddings and marriages, it didn’t go so well. Dan did not want to dig up those buried emotions. “Everyone gets their happy ending, Phil,” Dan said. “You just have to wait for it.”

“I feel like I’ve done enough waiting,” Phil mumbled, clearly agitated. “Don’t you?”

Well, sure. Dan was in his very late twenties, and Phil was in his early thirties. Dan could see why Phil might be a little upset at the issue. As for him … “I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ve already found it. My happy ending,” he clarified. “I haven’t been this happy in all my years of living. Can it get any happier than this? I ask myself that a lot. My answer is the same every time. I don’t think so.” 

Phil stared at Dan. He found his happy ending? Already? How was that fair? And where did he even find it? “You found someone?” Phil asked, wanting to choke on his words. How could he not know that Dan found someone?

Dan looked at him stupidly. “What? No! I haven’t found anyone. You don’t always need someone to have a happy ending. Well, maybe you need someone, but I already have you. You don’t need a wife–or husband–or kids to have a happy life. Some people live just fine being solo.”

“Are you fine being solo?” Phil asked. He never pictured Dan the type. He was too soft to be living his whole life solo. Dan needed someone. Who would he go to when the power went out in the home and it was dark and he was alone? Who would he ask to kill the moths that flew around the light in the bathroom? Dan couldn’t be solo. He hadn’t been alone in the world since the day he was born. He always was with someone. Always lived with someone. He couldn’t just go out on his own. Not now.

Dan shrugged at Phil’s question. They had begun to walk home now, and were only a few blocks away. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. I don’t know what it’s like to be alone.” And he didn’t really want to find out. He was happy with the way things were now. Him and Phil. No one else.

Phil wanted to ask him other things, but decided that now wasn’t the time or place. All he could think about were Dan’s choice of words. 

“I already have you,” he said.

“Sometimes I think I’ve already found it,” he also said.

So, what, exactly, was making Dan Howell so happy? 

It was Phil. It had to be. Phil was sure of it.

But two hours after they got home, things didn’t go so well.That happy ending was nonexistent. Now, they were both living a nightmare. 

“Dan, please! I’m sorry!” Phil begged, tears streaming down his face. “Don’t do this. Please.” his voice cracked on the last word, along with Dan’s heart.  
Dan felt the redness of his face, the anger and the confusion that flowed through his veins. His emotions were all kinds of fucked up.

“Dan!” Phil sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean–”

“That’s just it, Phil!” Dan roared. “You didn’t mean to do it!”

Phil flinched at Dan’s words. Dan instantly had a flashback to the last time he made Phil flinch, and it tore Dan apart. “So you wanted me to do it?” Phil asked sheepishly.

“No! Not now. Not … fuck!” Dan tore his hands through his hair, unable to keep the images of what just happened out of his brain.  
The two were just sitting there, still talking about Louise’s wedding for some God forsaken reason, when Dan admitted that he wouldn’t want his life to be any other way. All he wanted was Phil and peace. Forever. That’s when Phil grabbed his hand. 

“I promise you forever,” Phil said, holding Dan’s hand tight.

“Forever?” Dan repeated, choking on the word. Forever meant something. It meant everything. 

“Yes. I promise. It’s me and you and the whole world. Forever.” Phil leaned in quick, pressing his cheek to Dan’s and whispering, “I love you.”

That’s when Dan ripped his hand out of Phil’s, jumping off the couch like Phil was poison. Phil apologized quicker than he ever had before, saying he was so sorry over and over, and that he didn’t mean to do it. That he didn’t mean to say the words that changed someone’s life forever. But it wasn’t the “I love you.” Phil has said that before … just in a less meaningful way. It was when he promised forever, that Dan’s heart couldn’t take it. His emotions couldn’t keep up and he lost it all.

“What do you mean not now?” Phil cried. “Did you want that at all?”

“I don’t have time for this, Phil,” Dan spat. He just wanted to black out so he didn’t have to think. He didn’t even want to dream.

Dan tore out of the lounge, running to his room to gather up essential items. He threw everything he knew he would need inside a rucksack, slung it over his shoulder, slipped on his shoes, and stormed out of the flat. 

Dan only returned once. When Phil wasn’t home. And it was only the next day. He grabbed some things that he knew he missed, and took off without another word.   
That was the day their world ceased. And all of it was Dan’s fault.

****

Dan had nearly sobbed himself to the point of exhaustion, and he almost fell asleep in Phil’s arms in the doorway. But after about fifteen minutes of crying, Phil told him he had to get up and at least get out of half the hall. He hesitantly obeyed, following Phil inside the familiar flat and into the lounge. Everything was exactly the same, minus a few details here and there. For example, pictures that used to be around of Dan or the both of them were nowhere to be seen. That told Dan he wasn’t the only one trying to shove someone out of their lives.

Dan bunched up in the corner of the sofa, his face sleek with tears and his eyes rimmed red. He looked like a disaster.

Phil took a seat across the room, but still able to face Dan. That was when Dan had noticed for the first time that Phil had been crying too.  
Dan didn’t expect Phil to say anything–not first at least. Phil hated confrontation. He avoided it at all costs. So when Phil decided to speak first and be upfront, Dan was shocked.  
“Why did you leave me?” Phil’s voice was strong and steady as he asked the question.

Dan choked on yet another sob. 

“Don’t cry, Dan. Not yet. We cried first, now we talk. We can cry afterwards, but not now.”

Dan had wondered when Phil became so demanding and so upfront. It was probably when Dan had left him. Dan wiped his nose on the sleeve of his jumper, swallowing the lumps he had in his throat all day. “I … I left be–because–” Dan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force the words off his tongue. “I was scared.”

Phil’s breath hitched. The room fell silent, followed by, “You left because you were scared?” His voice was but a whisper.

Dan nodded reluctantly. Those were the words he had been holding inside him for a year now. He never admitted them out loud, even to himself. “I was so–” he hiccuped–“scared. Ph–Phil, I never meant–never–for–” he couldn’t speak properly. He kept hiccuping and sobbing between words, Phil couldn’t understand him.   
“Dan, calm down,” Phil said softly. “Breathe. Take your time.”

Take my time?! How is he not fucking pissed right now?

“Take a minute. Collect yourself.”

I don’t think I can, he wanted to say. But he tried to obey, resting his head between his knees and breathing in slowly. After a few minutes, he tried again. “You–you just–you make me insane, Phil. When I’m–when–I’m interacting with you, my mind … it’s not my own.” Dan sucked in a breath. This was getting easier. “Most days, I can keep how I feel to myself. But sometimes, you will say or do something that drives me fucking insane, and I can’t help what I say or do. It’s like I have no control over my feelings for you.”

Phil stayed silent, letting Dan continue. He didn’t want to interrupt him in case he stopped.

“That–that day. When you whispered–whispered those words in my ear. They just … undid everything I worked years on to keep bottled up. But it wasn’t–wasn’t even those words that scared me.”

“What scared you?” Phil whispered, a tear escaping his eye.

“When you promised me forever.”

Phil stopped breathing. That’s what undid him? “Why? Why did those words undo you?”

Dan swallowed. “Be–because forever is a long time, Phil. I fe–felt pressured. Like I had no choice.”

Phil knitted his brows together. “Dan, you always have a choice? I would never force you to say or do something you didn’t want to do. Why would you ever think that?”  
Dan shook his head almost violently. “It wasn’t pressure from you. It was pressure from the media. I feel like … like since everyone wants us to be together, we have no choice but to be. I don’t want it to be like that. I wasn’t sure if my feelings were my own, or if they were everyone else’s. I was s–so conflicted, Phil. I thought it would be better to shut it all down completely and for good. If I’m going to be with you forever, then I want it to be because I want to. Not because I’m expected to.”

Tears slid from Phil’s eyes, but no sound escaped his lips. He never thought of any of this. Not in the depth that Dan had. But of course, what else should Phil have expected? Dan was too smart for his own good. Like, way too smart. It was a quality he admired so much.

“And,” Dan went on, “it took me a long ass time to even realize what I wanted. I know it’s been a year, Phil. It’s been so long and I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to be my friend after this, I get it. I really do. I just had to apologize. You deserve that much. You deserve much more. I’ve felt so bad ever since that day I walked out on you. I should have never done that. But I’m a coward. I’m afraid of … love.”

Phil stood up slowly, and Dan was sure Phil was about to kick him out of his flat. But when Phil launched himself across the room and into Dan’s arms, Dan knew Phil was far from doing that. “You’re not a coward,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s shoulder. “You’re human. It’s okay to be scared.”

“I shouldn’t be scared when it comes to you, though. Phil, I’ve known you half my life. I know that you would never let anything happen to me. You’re my safety net. My … Phil, you’re my home. And I ran away from you and stayed away for a year.”

Phil pulled away from Dan, looking into his brown eyes that he missed so much. “But you’re back now, right?” Phil whispered.

“If you’ll let me stay,” Dan said, his voice shaking. 

Phil smiled, his eyes glazing over.”You are always welcome here, Dan. Just as you are always welcome in my heart.” He gripped Dan tightly, crying into his shoulder. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

Dan and Phil fell asleep on the sofa that night. But not before Phil could ask, “What made you come back?”

Dan sniffled, a breathy laugh leaving his lips. “Some girl. She had this tattoo on her wrist. It was cat whiskers that I drew, apparently. We talked, and she–”

“Wait,” Phil said, interrupting. 

“What?”

“Was this girl’s name Kiera?”

Dan thought back. “Yeah, it was. How did you know that?”

Phil tried to hide the smile forming on his face. “I ran into her just the other day. We talked about it … and she told me that it wasn’t our end.”

“She told me the same thing,” Dan muttered. “Were we played?”

Phil chuckled. “Who knows. Maybe. But all that matters is that you’re home now. Where you belong.”

“I can’t believe I was scared of this,” Dan said, snuggling deeper into Phil’s chest.

“It’s okay to be scared of the unknown, Dan. Just know that I didn’t know what was going to happen either. We are exploring this… together.”

Together. Like they had been for the past– “Phil, what’s today?” Dan asked, his thoughts stopping short.

“Um, what’s the time?”

“Almost two in the morning,” Dan supplied. 

“Technically, it’s now October 19th.”

Dan’s eyes went wide at the date. “2019,” Dan murmured. 

“What?” Phil asked, pulling back to look into Dan’s eyes.

“It’s October 19th, 2019.”

Phil sucked in a breath he didn’t realize he needed. “Ten years.”

“Ten years,” Dan repeated. 

It took them ten years to realize how much they needed each other. It only took them one day to fall apart, and a year to come back together.

Time had a funny way of working itself out. 

“We should do something special,” Phil said

Like go back to Japan? Dan’s mind supplied. But he ignored the voice, and instead, said, “I’m good with just this. Just me and you and the whole world.”

Phil smiled, kissing Dan lightly on the tip of his nose. “This is all I could ever ask for.”

“I’m glad to be home,” Dan said.

“I’m glad you are, too,” Phil murmured into Dan’s hair. 

Dan fell asleep first, exhausted by the day’s events. Phil watched him closely that night, barely able to stay asleep for longer than five minutes. He was afraid that Dan would disappear, and all of this would have been some cruel trick since it’s their ten year anniversary. 

But Phil knew Dan wasn’t leaving. The warmth in his arms wasn’t imaginary. It was real. Just like Dan’s feelings for Phil were.

It took thirty-two years for Phil to find his happy ending. 

It only took Dan twenty-eight.


End file.
